The house rules

About the court

One host, four rooms and a rulebook. This is what Flooring Jester is for, who it is written for, and the constraints it refuses to break.

Flooring Jester is a blog with one voice and a narrow brief: help you buy a floor you will still like in five years, and entertain you enough that you actually read the reasoning.

It is written by the Flooring Jester, a host who has spent too long in showrooms, too long on knees looking at subfloor, and too long listening to the same five marketing words do the work of a specification. The jester is not a retailer, not an installer and not a manufacturer. That independence is the entire point.

What this site is for

Most flooring advice is either a catalogue or a lecture. A catalogue tells you what exists. A lecture tells you what to think. Neither tells you why, in language a person can use on a Saturday afternoon with three samples on the kitchen table.

This site is an attempt at the third thing: an opinion, a reason, and a clear statement of what the opinion depends on. If a claim only holds for a quiet house with no dogs and a household of two adults, it says so. If a trend is fine in a big room and a mistake in a small one, it says that too.

The audience is anyone who wants an honest, entertaining voice before they buy: first-time buyers, renovators, people who have just discovered that the quote did not include the trim, and people who have been burned once and would rather not be burned twice.

The rules of the court

These are not aspirations. They are the constraints the site is built on.

Opinions only. No star ratings, no scores out of ten, no “review” schema, no product verdicts dressed up as measurements. A number implies a test. If there was no test, there is no number.

Every verdict has a reason. “I do not like it” is not an argument. “I do not like it because the bevel traps grit and the sheen shows every scuff” is one you can check against your own life.

Nothing is named as tested unless it was tested. No product is described as tried, measured or compared unless that actually happened, and that is recorded. Where a product would normally be named, the site either describes the category or leaves a note for the host to fill in later.

No invented facts. No made-up statistics, no fake surveys, no imaginary laboratory results, no borrowed testimonials. If a number appears, it should be arithmetic you can follow or a figure with a real source behind it.

No sponsored verdicts. If that ever changes, the change will be disclosed at the top of the piece, not in a footnote. For now, nothing on this site is paid placement.

What you will find

The writing is organised into four rooms:

If you are new, start with the trends I would skip this year and then read five flooring words that mean nothing. Between them they cover most of what goes wrong before a single plank is laid.

What this site is not

It is not a price list, a shop, or a substitute for a site visit. Floors behave differently in different houses, and no article can see your subfloor. Use the writing to ask better questions, then ask them of someone who has stood in your room.

If that sounds like the kind of voice you want in your ear while you choose, the court is open. Start with the blog, or send a note if you have a question that deserves a proper answer.